I remember when I was 26 years old I attended a post-wedding shower for one of my friends who was very excited to have married a moronic, abusive thug. A man who, and I'm not kidding, once sent her a card after one of their many fights signed, "Love, Dumby." (Translation: He was referring to himself as a "dummy" for having argued with her. Even Harder to Believe Side Note: She actually showed me this embarrassing missive thinking it would endear him to me and make me think he was less of a raging lunatic asshole.) They had to run away to Hawaii to elope (knowing that her parents would refuse to pay for or attend a "real" wedding at home), and I remember thinking that the union would last two years, tops. I think it lasted 18 months. Anyway, I reluctantly attended this post-wedding shower that was mostly attended by my friend's extended and new family, along with her best friend, another 26 year-old woman who was engaged and in the process of planning her own wedding to a man who believed she was a virgin, even though the truth was she had been quite promiscuous as a college student and had even once been pregnant. She saw absolutely nothing wrong with lying to her future husband about this, but I digress. So, aside from myself and this assclown engaged friend, the rest of the room was filled with older married women. In front of everyone, assclown engaged friend loudly and condescendingly asked, "So Michele, why is it that you don't seem to have any interest in getting married?" As I was mentally stammering and struggling to come up with a witty response other than my standard, "Well, I'm in law school right now and kind of busy and I just haven't met the right person...," my friend's aunt interjected and said, "'Cause she's clearly the only intelligent one in this room!" Thank you, Aunt Dorothy, I still love you.
Of course, I have absolutely nothing against marriage and at the time I actually did have high hopes of finding my very own Prince Charming to lie to...er, I mean love with all my heart. But the truth is, I don't know one person my age right now who is happily married. One of my friends is really struggling with whether it is more important to keep a commitment to a listless marriage that is financially secure, but more like a friendly roommate situation, or try to be a truly happy person, alone but with a renewed optimism, spirit, and opportunity to find soulful, passionate love. He has no children, which makes the decision less complicated, but it's still agonizing, nevertheless.
How important is one's true happiness in the scheme of things? My grandmother used to say that true happiness was simply the absence of chaos. But don't we think we should be aiming for more than that? Is there really any honor in upholding a commitment that perpetuates boredom, apathy, or misery? Do we deserve to pursue happiness at the expense of others'? Of course, it's thoroughly wretched to hurt people emotionally, but isn't it also horrible to straddle the fences of mediocrity and resignation in order to avoid it? What are the karmic implications of that?
I'm not sure. ~M1L
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My marriage was chaotic at times. I wasn't the one who pushed for the divorce, but I can say that I'm much happier now than I was then, even though I don't get to see my kids as often as I'd like, and I'm sure there are going to be some problems with that that I still don't fully realize yet. I think that once you make the commitment to someone, you should work hard at making sure that you're both happy in the relationship. That said, sometimes the love is just gone, in which case it might be best for all involved to recognize that and part ways. Just my two cents.
ReplyDelete(That said, I never want to get divorced again, so if I do remarry I'm going to do everything I possibly can to make it work.)
I hear you. My friend keeps wavering back and forth. It's grueling at the crossroads and I feel for him. He's so afraid of the unknown even though what is comfortable to him is also unfulfilling on almost every level. Based on our lengthy conversations as of late, though, my hunch is that he is going to end up staying. I can't believe I'm saying this, but in his case, I think it's the wrong decision. I'm starting to believe that pursuing happiness is of paramount importance. I don't believe that is selfish, either, although I used to think so. Of course, we should strive to avoid hurting others if at all possible, but in that same vein, I find that happiness loves company in the same way that misery does. There's way too much apathy and pain in this world as it is...don't willingly contribute to it and spread it around! I think the best thing we can do on this journey is create a fulfulling life that serves others and inspires by example. Accept that it's all about motion and change. It takes a lot of resolve and courage sometimes, but you've got to roll with it and trust and respect the process in order to facilitate the greater good. Just my two cents.
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