Career Highlight of the Week

I am a property manager for condominium associations and planned unit developments. Now that we've got that boring preface out of the way and if you're still awake, allow me to share the funniest conversation I had this week with a homeowner who lives in a patio home community. I'll call it "Centenarian Commons" because most of the residents seem to be about 75 and over even though it is not a retirement community. Please also allow me to preface this story by saying that I admire and respect our older citizens and enjoy working with older people more than any other segment of the population. I also think that if you are a human being able to reach 90 that everything should be totally complimentary and free because good lord, no matter what, you've earned it.

So, I got a LOUD voice mail from "Mrs. K." that went something like this:

"Yes, Michele, this is Mrs. K from 403 Centenarian Drive. You know they took this tree down a year ago, but now the roots are growing back again into my flower bed and into the yard next to me. This needs to be taken care of right away because it's killing my flowers and they can't even mow the grass over them. Please call me right away and let me know what is going to be done about this."

So the thing is, even though the management company handles all other exterior maintenance issues, we do not handle the landscaping at this particular property. The landscaping chairperson on the Board has opted to deal with the landscaping company directly. As a result, I called the landscaping chairperson and relayed the message. The chairperson said she would ask the landscaper to address the problem and then said insistently, "But I'm NOT calling Mrs. K." To which I replied, "That's ok, I'll call her back and let her know that I gave you the message and that it will be handled by the landscaper shortly."

Proceeded to call Mrs. K...

Mrs. K: Hello?

M1L: Hi Mrs. K, this is Michele from [the management company].

Mrs. K: Who?

M1L: Michele from [the management company]. You called about the tree roots? I just wanted to let you know that we don't handle the landscaping issues for your property, but I called [landscaping chairperson] and told her about the problem with the roots and she is going to have the landscaper address it as soon as possible.

Mrs. K: I can't understand a word you're saying. You're talking way too fast and you're going to have to speak up.

M1L: OK...can - you - hear - me - now?

Mrs. K: Yes.

M1L: (Very LOUDLY and SLOWLY) I just wanted to let you know that I got your message regarding the tree roots. I called [landscaping chairperson] and reported it to her.

Mrs. K: Oh okay, so you're saying I'm allowed to drive?


Not exactly. ~M1L

Unbelievable Text Session with Mr. Unavailable That Confirms I'm an Idiot

There has been a recent attempt to establish a normal relationship with Mr. U, but it is somewhat futile once you have permitted a fuckbuddy scenario, as evidenced by the following text exchange I'm about to share with you. Mr. U is so incredibly sexy, but the most emotionally vacant person I have ever encountered in my life, seriously. Let me say that we HAVE had good conversations and we HAVE enjoyed each other's company in a non-sexual way on occasion, but it never seems to last or go anywhere. There's a really odd barrier to achieving any actual intimacy, which I cannot quite figure out. So, for the last two years I have found it incredibly difficult to believe that he is interested in me for sex only and have continued to affiliate with him off and on thinking that I could somehow turn this around. And I have wasted WAY too much time on this endeavor because in my heart, I know it's not going to happen. It just kills me because, physically, he is my ideal. So then I try to tell myself that I can just do the sex thing...no harm in that, right? We're both single. However, I can't even enjoy the sex for what it is after exchanges like the following. This occurred after Mr. U asked what we were doing this weekend because he always needs to have an agenda of exactly what will go down (no pun intended) when we see each other. For example, when I said we could get together tonight, this ridiculous line of questioning ensued:

Mr. U: Will there be smooching?

M1L: Yep!

Mr. U: Licking?

M1L: You never know!

Mr. U: Talking?

M1L: I'm sure you probably have lots to tell me, no?

Mr. U: I'm a regular chatty kathy. (He says he doesn't like to talk much, but he is quite capable once he gets going.)

M1L: Yes u are! Me 2. I like our talks though...serious.

Mr. U: Good! :)

M1L: Lol...you're glad one of us does! ;)

Mr. U: I don't mind it at all.

M1L: Dont mind??? Lol (At this point I'm offended and ticked.)

Mr. U: Yep.

Mr. U: U like the sex?

M1L: I don't mind it at all!

Mr. U: Wisenheimer... ;)

'Nuff said. I hate myself today. ~M1L

I did a bad, bad thing.

Had some pretty awesome sex with Mr. U last night after a long talk/ride in the car and then going to see a very funny movie. I am weak and ashamed. Also happy and relaxed. No big deal, right? Right. I didn't think so.

So, of course it is. Yes, I realize it was a dumbass move. But it had been months. Months. Four of them. OK?

I know. Oh well. ~M1L

Marriage, Divorce, and the Pursuit of Happiness

I remember when I was 26 years old I attended a post-wedding shower for one of my friends who was very excited to have married a moronic, abusive thug. A man who, and I'm not kidding, once sent her a card after one of their many fights signed, "Love, Dumby." (Translation: He was referring to himself as a "dummy" for having argued with her. Even Harder to Believe Side Note: She actually showed me this embarrassing missive thinking it would endear him to me and make me think he was less of a raging lunatic asshole.) They had to run away to Hawaii to elope (knowing that her parents would refuse to pay for or attend a "real" wedding at home), and I remember thinking that the union would last two years, tops. I think it lasted 18 months. Anyway, I reluctantly attended this post-wedding shower that was mostly attended by my friend's extended and new family, along with her best friend, another 26 year-old woman who was engaged and in the process of planning her own wedding to a man who believed she was a virgin, even though the truth was she had been quite promiscuous as a college student and had even once been pregnant. She saw absolutely nothing wrong with lying to her future husband about this, but I digress. So, aside from myself and this assclown engaged friend, the rest of the room was filled with older married women. In front of everyone, assclown engaged friend loudly and condescendingly asked, "So Michele, why is it that you don't seem to have any interest in getting married?" As I was mentally stammering and struggling to come up with a witty response other than my standard, "Well, I'm in law school right now and kind of busy and I just haven't met the right person...," my friend's aunt interjected and said, "'Cause she's clearly the only intelligent one in this room!" Thank you, Aunt Dorothy, I still love you.

Of course, I have absolutely nothing against marriage and at the time I actually did have high hopes of finding my very own Prince Charming to lie to...er, I mean love with all my heart. But the truth is, I don't know one person my age right now who is happily married. One of my friends is really struggling with whether it is more important to keep a commitment to a listless marriage that is financially secure, but more like a friendly roommate situation, or try to be a truly happy person, alone but with a renewed optimism, spirit, and opportunity to find soulful, passionate love. He has no children, which makes the decision less complicated, but it's still agonizing, nevertheless.

How important is one's true happiness in the scheme of things? My grandmother used to say that true happiness was simply the absence of chaos. But don't we think we should be aiming for more than that? Is there really any honor in upholding a commitment that perpetuates boredom, apathy, or misery? Do we deserve to pursue happiness at the expense of others'? Of course, it's thoroughly wretched to hurt people emotionally, but isn't it also horrible to straddle the fences of mediocrity and resignation in order to avoid it? What are the karmic implications of that?

I'm not sure. ~M1L